ר' קטלא שרייבט צו דער בארד אוו ריז'ענטס יר"ה

[קטלא קניא]

הגם שאין מדרכי לכתוב בלשון לועזית וכבר גלוי וידוע מה שהתריעו על זה גאוני עולם ומצוקי ארץ זכרונם לברכה וגם מחמת כוח הפועל בנפעל והשיקוץ והניוול שמסתתר אפילו מאחורי השיחת חולין שלהם וקורין רק ללועזות בלעז. אולם הפעם יצאתי מגדרי למנוע המשחית מלבא לחלל כרם בית ישראל בעווה"ר כאשר המלכיות עומדות עלינו וגוזרים גזירות של שמד ר"ל על העוללים ויונקים. ואפילו אם נראה כאילו הם מכוונים ללמדם קריאה וחשבון, אחיזת עינים היא בלבד ופרעה הרשע גם לא גזר אלא על הזכרים והתחיל בפה רך וסיים בירידה למ"ט שערי טומאה. ועל של עתה באתי להתחנן ולעמוד על נפשות בית ישראל כי בנפשינו הדבר ושעת השמד שאני כי נמכרנו אנחנו וטפינו לכתוב ולקרוא ולחשוב חשבונות ואילו לסוחרי אמאזאן נמכרנו החרשתי כי אין הצר שווה בנזק הבענעפיטן. ולכן אזרתי עוז ושנסתי מתני לעמוד ולהתיצב לפני שרים ורוזנים ולבא להרשויות במגילת ספר בכתבם ובלשונם אשר הם דוברים. תחנונים ידבר רש ויהיו נא אמרי לרצון לפני האדונים. אמן

[left]BS

PEARLS - PARENTS EGENST ANTISEMITN, RESHOIM, LOSERS AND SHTUSIM
 
Dear Board of Regents, NYS Education Department.
 
As a Koilel guy ("graduate" would be putting too fine a point on it), I am hereby submitting my staunch opposition to the proposed regulations issued by the New York State Education Department requiring our children to be taught to read and write and count.
 
For thousands of years, we have produced luminaries like the Rambam, Rabbi Yehudah Halevi, Ibn Ezra, Ralbag, grammarians, linguists, doctors, lawyers, mathematicians and Nobel Prize winners and the time has come to say enough is enough. All their knowledge came from the Torah and the Talmud which have now been exhausted. Everything that can been extracted from the Torah has been taken already and there is nothing left so now we're learning what we call Torah lishmoh.
 
To our dismay, most of our students do not know what "dismay" means. But still our mikvehs are full of skinny dippers at the crack of dawn every morning and coffee is downed until the late hours at our shuls. This common decency of our cultural heritage which has been confirmed by the Supreme Court in the landmark case of Aroini v Zali [2003] is now threatened by the common core. The current proposed regulations are a direct infringement of our human rights and freedom of religion and fundamental beliefs.
 
Our nation has sacrificed everything for a plate of kugel so it is a kal vochomer that they will sacrifice so much more for the future of our children. (Kal vochomer being an item of critical thinking which the common core does not provide.) We triumphed in Orsheveh and in Kruleh and in Munkatch and in Bobov 48 and we will triumph over you as well. With the help of the A-lmighty G-d our children will know the ABC till the letter H and count till number 15 just as they know chumesh till sheini and still they do shidduchim Boruch Hashem.
 
Throughout the over 70 years we have lived in this country, our ultra-Orthodox Yeshivas and institutions have proudly produced thousands of graduates who know where to get the best car rental deals, the cheapest airline upgrades, every trick to defeat a parking ticket and how to game the returns system at Century 21. Beat that!
 
Our institutions are directed according to our ultra-Orthodox Rabbinical guidance. They dictate how much reading, how much writing and how much arithmetic our children should get and which is why our children cannot read, write or count in any language. Indeed, our students exemplify a high standard of morals and ethics, they know which Rebbes to curse, which hechsher is truly kosher, they collect Hashomrim cards which abuse their parents, and they also know where to buy their hats, which hair gel is best for their peyos and who produces the firmest chickpeas.
 
The study of reading, writing and arithmetic has been approved by our ultra-Orthodox Rabbis who say awesome shaleshudes toires. However, further study of the subject is forbidden according to Jewish law, since such studies are against the spirit of our Torah and the principles of our religion. We believe that verbs and nouns are heresy and teaching children to conjugate can lead them to fornicate. Learning with our children fractions can confuse them and suggest they may be incomplete despite learning the Torah which contains all they need to know. Our religious principles dictate that the study of English is reserved for important people at Agudah who use English only for the noble purpose of preventing our children from speaking it.
 
Any government interference to our religion, such as teaching children the months of the year, the states of the USA, the rivers of our country, the oceans of our world and the planets of our solar system, are against our beliefs and cannot be tolerated. We cannot teach them Mark Twain as it has no approval of our rabbis who don't generally know how to laugh. Which cheder did Huckleberry Finn and Tom Sawyer go to and what broche do you make on the Grapes of Wrath? If we teach such books to your standard, our children may know them better than the books of the Prophets which they are forbidden to study. We are ready, willing and able, to sacrifice anything including our SUVs, Friday night dips and Shabbos morning booze in order to preserve the purity of our heritage which was given over to us by Rabbeinu Joel when he walked off the boat. His far reaching vision inspired the manufacture of Palm tights without knowing even a word of English.
 
The success of our education is visible to all. Our community prides ourselves with Grand Rabbis who fly in private jets to places they can't find on a map, take vacations in locations they can't pronounce, occupy the most majestic of mansions without having paid a cent towards it and yet they barely speak a word of English and would struggle with multiplying a fraction. We pride ourselves with a system where the reporting of abuse is unheard of, weed is reserved for Thursday night and Motze Shabbos, women are created for pushing strollers and our children can chant the Zohar before they even know where their elbow is. Tampering with such a pure curriculum can only detrimentally affect the numbers of food stamp recipients in our local neighborhoods.
 
We hereby proclaim that we are loyal to the Constitution. We exercise the right to bare arms every morning when we pull up our sleeves for Tefilin and due processes is adhered to every time we apply to enroll our children in our schools. We practice freedom of expression in our numerous weekly newspapers and magazines showing which of our Rabbis' grandsons have become engaged to which of our Rabbis' granddaughters, the dancing at their weddings and the redemption of firstborn jackasses. Such is the purity of our education that we do not have #fakenews. Our publications never report on corruption, violence or domestic abuse in our midst.
 
It is this that your honor would be putting at risk by the proposed new regulations.
 
I petition your honor, to down vote the proposed NYS substantial equivalency regulations or any variation thereof. By voting NO, you will save yourself - and us - from a demonstration and the cringe of a speech by our spokesman Rabbi Moshe Dovid Niederman of the famed squashed hat and disheveled hair. He is a breathing example of the quality of our English, the logic of our critical thinking and the eloquence of our rhetoric classes. And when you come to visit our schools I can assure you that he will stuff you with lots of rugelech.
 
Please note: If these regulations shall pass, we shall be forced to write to you in much better English with far more logic and you will face a far more formidable opponent. We cannot and will not obey the proposed regulations and as a last resort, we may also engage in civil obedience or even refuse to accept Section 8 and other welfare payments. We oppose the Zionists because they oppose the nations and so we will oppose the nations in order to oppose the Zionists. This is what our critical thinking teaches us.

Graciously Yours
Hakoton Katle Kanye[/left]