שלא עשני אשה

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שלא עשני אשה

הודעהדורך בעל בעמיו » פרייטאג סעפטעמבער 27, 2019 12:55 pm

Sheloi Osani Isha

Every day since childhood I'm making the Bracha Sheloi Osani Isha. I have never put much thought into it. It was just one more blessing I do every day. I thank Hashem for not making me a Goy, for not making me a slave and for not making me a woman. Because, after all, I'm happy I'm not a Goy, slave or woman.

But I never thought about why I don't want to be a woman. Today it hit me: I don't want to be a woman because women have it really hard and I'm thankful to Hashem for giving me the easy life.

Take the upcoming Yom Tov as an example. The Rosh Hashana preparations are already on the way. My wife cooks food, bakes honey cakes, cleans the house, shops clothing for the kids (and for me), is doing the groceries and many more household chores so we can all have a happy Yom Tov.

Me? I help out here and there, when I have the time and patience. But the responsibility is hers.

Yet when Rosh Hashana commences, it's me who's going to reap the benefit.

I'm going to Bentch the kids. I'm going to sit at the head of the table and dip the apple in the honey. My kids will be mesmerized to finally witness the act they studied for in Cheder. It's me who's going to deal with the head of the fish, with the blessings, with the pomegranate. I'm the one who's going to be the good daddy and dip the Challah a bit deeper into the honey, at my son's behest. My wife? She's going to be the bad parent and complain about too much honey.

My wife will serve the meal while I'm going to read the kids' Parsha booklets. She's going to take care of the baby while I'll be listening to the kids' stories. I'll open the cute letters from the kids asking for forgiveness, the very letters mommy helped them place under tatty's Challah Dekel.

In the morning I'm going to go to shul. I'm going to sit in an air-conditioned shul and listen to a wonderful Ba'al Tefillah. My 14, 12 and 8 year old kids will come with me. The two oldest will sit next to me and Daven, while the younger one will play outside the shul. All I'll have to do is wrap myself with the Tallis and Daven and sing. Or look into a Sefer when things get a bit boring. Or schmooze here and there about the latest news and gossip (shhhh, don't tell anyone).

My wife? Oh my. She's going to stay home with five kids, the baby and the 2 year old amongst them. She's going to babysit. She's going to prepare for the meal, once again. And clean the house. And play with the kids. And feed them. And pamper them. And resolve their fights.

And then she's going to go to shul for Shofar. This is one thing I'll never be able to do. She's going to dress up all kids in matchy outfits. She's going to dress herself. And she's going to take the kids with her.

Now, of course, when I say shul I don't mean the same kind of shul that I'm going to. My shul is spacious, has the right temperature, comfortable seating and all. Hers is a crammed room or Sukkah outside the shul or just the street. Hundreds of women and children will be there. All wanting to hear the Shofar. All being busy with their kids. All trying to shush their babies. All being in an uncomfortable situation. Some won't even hear the Brachos or every blow of the Shofar. And mind you, there WILL be that guy standing next to the Ba'al Tokiya who's going to announce: M'bait da nushim tzi zein shtill! As if keeping a gesindel of children quiet is the easiest task in the world.

After all, shuls are run by men, who, naturally, think about their needs. The women? They'll have to make do.

While my wife will go through the Shofar fiasco, I'll either be home to help out a bit or I'll be at the Kiddush in shul or maybe in the Mikvah. I'll see. Depends on my mood.

Ya tell me? Isn't it great that Hashem created me a man?

And so will be the story on Yom Kippur. I'll sit in a comfortable shul all day worrying about nothing but Slicha, Mchila and Kapparah for my sins. My wife will take care of the kids while fasting.

Thank You Hashem!

During the High Holidays, there is only one household task that's on me: building the Sukkah. I'm going off my mind just thinking about it. Right after Rosh Hashana, my wife will start nagging me day and night to erect the Sukkah. See? Even my chore is her responsibility. I'll procrastinate and she'll keep begging. At the end, I'll get my two older boys to do it. Or I'll pay some 18 year old Bucher to do it. Either way, my wife will be the one who's directing them because I'll be busy looking for a nice Esrog to show off in shul. Oh, and my wife will clean up after them. And she will make the Noi Sukkah. And she will make sure the Sukkah looks great, so on Chol Hamoed when I have my friends over for a party, I should be proud of my Sukkah.

Speaking of which, I'm going to have parties on Sukkos. One night it's going to be my friend's Ushpiza and we're going to party at his Sukkah. The other night my daily Shiur is making a Siyum. And, of course, one night they're partying by me, just because.

My wife? She'll sit home and make plans for tomorrow's trip. And, once again, cook and bake and clean and pamper. I'll be eating, singing and dancing, while she'll do house chores.

Because Hashem created me a man. I thank Him for that. Every single day.

My wife is even going to be the party coordinator for my party! She'll make sure everything is in order. That the food is delicious, the house is clean, the Sukkah looks spotless, the drinks are cold, and all other details I don't even know about. Me? I'm going to enjoy myself. I'm even thinking of asking my friend Shmuli to bring his guitar so we can all enjoy his music.

My wife won't even be able to attend the party. All she'll do is take care of the kids, make sure my kids don't disturb me, serve the meal and clean up afterwards.

My life is great. Hers not so much.

Simchas Torah is going to be déjà vu all over again. My wife will do the preparations, but I'm going to enjoy myself. I'm going to sing and dance and drink, while my wife will be in the Veiber shul with the little ones. We men are going to have a blast for two full days. My wife? Not so much. She's going to care for the kids. She's going to be in a small room full of women and children trying to a peek through a hole to see how I'm enjoying myself. In the middle of dancing, she's going to hand me my baby so I can show her off to my friends. After five minutes, I'll hand her back to my wife and take my 2 year old for five more minutes. My wife is not going to sing. Or dance. Or drink. All she'll do is watch the kids and watch me dance.

I might even buy myself Chussen Torah and get all the attention.

I mean, who in their right mind would choose to be a woman?! Thank You Hashem Sheloi Osani Isha.

But it's not only Yomim Tovim that we have the better end of the deal. We're always having it easy.

I socialize on a daily basis. I go to Mincha/Maariv, where I socialize. Then I do my daily Shiur, where we have some chulent and kugel from time to time. I'm not homebound on a daily basis as is my wife.

I even have my smartphone. I have WhatsApp and Telegram. I'm on many groups where we gossip and socialize. My wife doesn't have a smartphone because she can't be trusted with one, lest she'll look at Shmitz. The Cheder will keep my kids with my smartphone but will expel them had my wife dared to have one.

Heck, even when my wife gives birth, after she went through 9 difficult months, it's me who's partying and enjoying. I'm making the Kiddush. I'm naming the child. I'm Oilah to the Torah. I'm making the Bris. I have my friends over. My wife doesn't have those benefits. All she's doing is taking care of the baby and is trying to get back to herself.

Admit it, you never saw a poster saying: Mrs. Raisel Schwartz is inviting to Kiddush. It's always: Reb Yankel Schwartz is inviting. Because Reb Yankel is male and Mrs. Raisel is female.

And not just at child birth. The same is true at the Bar Mitzvah and the wedding. It's us men who are making those Simchas. It's us men who are giving the speeches. It's us men who are knocking on the Mechitza to shush the women so we men can hear what a man is saying.

And we are the ones having all Kibbudim. We're saying the Brachos under the Chupa. We are Bentching. We are dancing Mitzvah Tantz. We are Oilah. We get to be Ba'al Tefillah. We are Sandek. We are Mesader Kiddushin.

We both raised our kids. Actually, she bore the brunt of it. I'm not even close. Yet I'm the one who eats the fruits. I wouldn't have it any other way.

I have a car. My wife doesn't. She's dependent on me to go to places; I have all the freedom in the world. My wife needs me to drive her around. She needs to get me to take her to wherever she wants to go. I, on the other hand, can travel to wherever I want without relying on her.

I'm even doing a trip to Reb Shayele once a year and one more trip to E. Israel. My wife, bless her heart, stays home and takes care of the kids. She doesn't have the luxury of travel because the baby is dependent on her.

Well, even when I sin, some woman out there is responsible for it. It's her skirt that wasn't long enough. Her top that wasn't wide enough. Her shoes that were too trendy.

I sin and someone else gets punished. This is what I call Heaven.

I know, I know. Women have other roles to fulfill. Still, I'm happy that I have my role and not hers. That's why I'll continue saying with Kavunah on a daily basis:

Thank You Hashem Sheloi Osani Isha

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הודעהדורך חמלה גדולה » פרייטאג סעפטעמבער 27, 2019 1:13 pm

u can always get a sex change op maybe youll get rid of the guilt that your wife is responsible for nagging u to build the sucah
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הודעהדורך סאנטיאגא » דאנערשטאג אקטאבער 03, 2019 1:32 am

Humourous but sad
the problem is the lesson this article leaves me with is not so
much why I don't want to be a woman but more the fact how women are treated like second class in terms of judiasim... (Probably intended) So the outcry should be the equal rights. No not from a political standpoint but from a human being standpoint... Other than that it's an amazing write up
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הודעהדורך סאנטיאגא » דאנערשטאג אקטאבער 03, 2019 1:46 am

.
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די פרויען ווילן אנדערש? איך בין מסכים צו טוישן, ווער זאגט איך וויל זיין דער דרייווער? ווער זאגט מיר שמעקט בעסער צו זיצן אין בית המדרש צען שעה? וכו'
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זאל כאטש זיין דעם אפציע.
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באלד וועסטע זאגן אויף דו אנדערע שלא עשני "זאל כאטש זיין דו אפציע"
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נולד מאוחר האט געשריבן:באלד וועסטע זאגן אויף דו אנדערע שלא עשני "זאל כאטש זיין דו אפציע"

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נו, ברוך השם מען האט שוין היינט די אפציע, מען קען טוישן און זיין וואס מען וויל.
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