פארוואס ווערן חרדישע מאלעסטערס באשיצט?

[venus]

Sorry for my English, but I although I am an avid Yiddish reader and lover, I have never developed an ability to write this language, so please excuse my posting in English.

I received an email that a father of a boy that was molested sent to Mr. Zev Brenner and it's obviously circulating all over the place, and it touched me enough that I felt compelled to write a response to it. Maybe someone here can translate it to our beloved Yiddish mama lushoin.

Letter of the father:

Dear Zev,

You mentioned on your show last night that you misplaced R’ Eliashev Shlita’s tshuva. I am attaching his tshuva as it was printed in the sefer Yishirin. I am also including a tshuva from R’ Moshe Halberstam Z”L of the Eide Hachareidis, between the two the chasidish and litvish oilem should be satisfied - if they are intellectually honest. (Indeed I am actually shocked that your guest last night who came to speak on this very issue and spoke with such authority and gave us all direction with such clarity and used “asei luchu Rav” as the thrust of his arguments didn’t even bother - in all these years that we are facing this grave issue - to take the time to look up a great “Rav” R’ Eliyashev Shlita’s tshuva. I think this little fact in itself proves the grave problem we are facing.)

In the attached lengthy tshuva from Rabbi Halberstam Z”L regarding a father that has been molesting members of his family - see the last paragraph of the last page where he concludes: “ibehu maskinen shehamizdarez limnoiya mehoav… milichtoi, bechol oifen sheyimtse lenuchoin viaf lemosroi leshiltoines lemitzvah yechoshev loi.” Translation: and with this we will conclude, that one that rushes to prevent the father from sinning with every way that is found to be appropriate including to give him over to the authorities, it shall be counted as a MITZVAH to him.

And on page two of the attached file Reb Eliyashiv Shlita makes it clear in the last paragraph after bringing down the Rashba that his only concern is “beoifen sheein afileh raglayim liduvar” – in a case where the proof does not rise to the level of raglaim leduvar, then “ain ani royeh shim heter beduvar” – then he does not see that it should be allowed.

It seems from all tshuvas (and I have many others from other poskim as well) that they are only concerned with the level of confidence one needs to have that any specific allegation is actually true. They seem to be concerned that a parent may be making a mistake when assuming that abuse took place. And it seems to be quite clear that for that reason only some require that one speak to a rabbi (or expert) first. However, when a case has raglaim leduvar according to R’ Eliyashiv Shlita or if abuse is very clear to have taken place – such as if there are witnesses or if the accused admits it (as was apparently the case in one of the stories your guest mentioned last night) - then our poskim make it quite clear that one is permitted and even required to go to the police. (At the minimum the Rabbi that is being consulted is required to advise him to go to the police). That’s what they write. Period. Unfortunately when an actual story happens some of them don’t have the courage to follow the rulings of our greatest poskim they always encourage all to follow blindly.

(By the way, I urge you to look at the second and third paragraph of the last page of the attached tshuva from R Halberstam Z”L where he brings down from Rabbi Wosner Shlita that there is no requirement to help a known gaslen in his efforts to be released from prison. And Rabbi Halberstam adds that in his opinion not only is there no isser but someone that helps him with his efforts to be removed from jail “uvoin b’yodoi” – a sin is on his hands, and he makes it clear that he believes that one is not allowed to be meshtadel for his release. And of course he is saying this in the context of his tshuva regarding a case of child molestation.)

I will however give your guest the respect for at least being honest about his position. He makes his position clear that even in a case where an allegation is proven to be true the local Rabbi has it within his right to not allow the parent to go to the police. And in many cases he seems to recommend it. This is indeed very sad, but at least he is being honest with us and we can argue with him and repudiate him. Others however are dishonest and pretend that they only require one to go to a rabbi first for the sole purpose of first clarifying if the allegation is true. Yet they cannot point to a single case where an established rabbi permitted a parent to go to the police and cooperate fully and maintained their support for the victim throughout. Can it be that over a period of the past ten years and after hundreds of allegations there wasn’t even ONE case that rose to the level of Raglaim Leduvar? Does anyone really believe that? And on top of that they all remain silent as they watch the victim and his family being harassed, shamed, pressured and abused all over again.

This leads me to my main point that I would like to make. I think that we are all having the wrong debate. I believe that most people and rabbis in our communities are not aware of the damage that child molestation causes. If there would be agreement on this then the whole issue would go away. Suppose it would be clear to all that child molestation is equivalent to violent adult rape, or better yet that it is very close to murder, would anyone argue whether one should go to the police? Can you imagine what people (or even your guest) would say if Leiby Kletsky’s parents would say that they will not cooperate with the police because their rabbi told them that there are other ways to deal with the killer? Perhaps their rabbi would suggest that Levy Aaron should have four mentors at all times – as your guest proudly explained how such a scheme was impressively implemented by the Rabbis in London in a case where one actually admitted to molesting a child.

In addition, I believe that people are not aware of the recidivism rates – meaning the statistics showing how many abusers keep on repeating their acts. They also falsely assume that therapy cures the abusers. They also falsely assume that the abusers actually participate in therapy long enough for it to have any impact at all on them. Unfortunately most are unaware and uninformed of what remedies actually work to stop abusers from attacking again. Sadly, few seem to be taking the time to study the issue.

So, the next time any of your guests tell you “Asai Lechu Rav” and then indicates that even if a case is proven to be true the Rav may be correct in not allowing him to go to the police, please ask him if he believes that this should apply to murderers and adult rapists of married women as well. And if he says no then please ask him to explain why child molestation is different. That will clarify the debate. Let’s at least be honest about it. I believe that it all boils down to a fundamental lack of understanding of the crime and a lack of understanding of what the available remedies are. To pretend that the real debate we are having is whether one needs to ask a rabbi first or not is being as dishonest as we can possibly be. The true debate is what one needs to do once Raglayim Leduvur has been established – whether it has been established by a Rabbi or not. And despite what the Agudah may claim publicly, unfortunately so far the community and our rabbis are not ready to tolerate one going to the authorities at all regardless if the allegation rises to the level of Raglayin Leduvur - or even if it rises to the level of proof beyond any reasonable doubt. And sadly even regardless if one spoke to his rabbi or not.

Written by a father that did ask a Rav and still continued to be pressured. For obvious reasons I’ll remain anonymous.